Gamers Rejoice

A new web site called ‘Gamecrush’ allows gamers to pay to play games such as ‘Halo’ against hot women online. In other news, the average age of virgins in the U.S. just rose to 31.

Avatar Blues

Sci-Fi fans are reportedly experiencing depression and suicidal thoughts after seeing James Cameron’s 3D blockbuster ‘Avatar’ multiple times as they ” long to enjoy the beauty of the alien world Pandora.” One fan site called “Avatar Forums,” has a thread entitled “Ways to cope with the depression of the dream of Pandora being intangible.”

Number one on the list of cures: the touch of an actual woman.

Viagra Ice Cream…

An ice cream store is offering Viagra ice cream. In unrelated, other news, Jack Nicholson reportedly just got an ice cream headache.

Wild Sex…

A new study by fertility experts states that “wild, uninhibited sex” increases the chances of conception.

Sorry Joy Behar.

Palin Rejects Stimulus…

Despite outcries from her struggling constituents, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is refusing to accept 30 percent of the stimulus money being offered to the state.  Palin defended her actions, saying the portion she is rejecting was going to go toward sex education.

French Economy…

The global economic downturn has officially gotten serious in France. Reuters is reporting that sales of French sex toys are plummeting as consumers reduce their spending on kinky products.  Secretary of State Clinton said that her husband has been immediately dispatched to monitor the situation.

New Memoir…Monkeys…UFO…Ruined Vacation

Forget Scott McClellan’s memoir…we’re waiting for this one.  Idaho Senator Larry Craig revealed yesterday that he is writing a book about his life over the past year. Presumably, the tome will discuss his arrest in a bathroom at the Minneapolis airport for soliciting gay sex from an undercover officer in a bathroom stall…an allegation he denied. The Senator said he already had a title for the book: “If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened.”

Monkeys with sensors implanted in their brains learned to control a robot arm with their thoughts. According to University of Pittsburgh scientists, the first thing the monkeys did was use the arm to throw their feces at each other.

A man who wants the government to create an “Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission” said that Friday he will reveal a video to the world that shows an actual space alien.  Authorities who previewed the tape however said the guy is confused…it’s just the latest TMZ video of Amy Winehouse leaving a club.

A lawyer is suing Delta for $1 million, claiming the airline ruined his family vacation by stranding his two children and wife for three days without luggage in various airports. His family is counter suing him however, for making them take a vacation with a lawyer.