Health Care

President Obama finally signed into law health care reform, the most sweeping social legislation in 40 years. After signing the bill, Obama sat back, lit up a cigarette, and said “why not?”

Obama’s Physical

The results of President Obama’s physical found that his doctors recommended that he stop smoking and start having moderation in his drinking. The doctors were later forced to apologize to the President after finding they mistakenly mixed up his results with David Hasselhoff.

Bill Parties in Vegas…

Bill Clinton celebrated his 63rd birthday in Las Vegas yesterday. Man, after playing superhero, the ex-President is really letting himself go.  He was last seen at the Bunny Ranch eating a Big Mac.

Fox Not Taking Obama

Fox is refusing to take Obama’s primetime press conference this Wednesday night marking the president’s first 100 days.  They would take it if the White House would give permision for Paula Abdul to interupt the President periodically and start crying.

Iraqi Tourists…

A group of foreign tourists arrived in Baghdad over the weekend, becoming the first vacationers in the war-torn country in seven years.

One thing I recommend. You just gotta see the disbanded Iraqi Army’s version of Mama Mia.

Bush Book…

Former President Bush has just signed a deal to write his memoirs. The book will focus on how he made a dozen or so of the pivotal decisions during his presidency, such as going to war with Iraq and the response to Hurricane Katrina.

The tentative title of the book is ‘Tuesdays with Cheney’.

Palin Rejects Stimulus…

Despite outcries from her struggling constituents, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is refusing to accept 30 percent of the stimulus money being offered to the state.  Palin defended her actions, saying the portion she is rejecting was going to go toward sex education.

Late Night Obama…

Barack Obama is going on Jay Leno tomorrow. It will be the first time in history that a sitting President has appeared on a late night talk show. 

This is technically incorrect. One time Jimmy Carter threw a cream pie at Burt Reynolds genitals on the Tonight Show.

Bush on Obama

Former President Bush — in a side comment to a group of Canadian business leaders he was giving a speech to — said that he won’t criticize President Obama because he “deserves my silence.”

The Canadian business leaders then said, “What are we…chop liver?”

Irish Obama…

The Irish Prime Minister will deliver to Obama today proof of the President’s Irish roots. If it is confirmed that he is in fact Irish, Obama says he will then promptly change his slogan to “Yes, we might.”