Health Care

President Obama finally signed into law health care reform, the most sweeping social legislation in 40 years. After signing the bill, Obama sat back, lit up a cigarette, and said “why not?”

Obama’s Physical

The results of President Obama’s physical found that his doctors recommended that he stop smoking and start having moderation in his drinking. The doctors were later forced to apologize to the President after finding they mistakenly mixed up his results with David Hasselhoff.

Time’s 100

Time magazine did not realize that its online poll for readers to name the 100 most influential people was rigged by computer hackers. They did suspect something was up when Obama was passed over for the No. 1 spot by “Wolverine”.

Fox Not Taking Obama

Fox is refusing to take Obama’s primetime press conference this Wednesday night marking the president’s first 100 days.  They would take it if the White House would give permision for Paula Abdul to interupt the President periodically and start crying.

Late Night Obama…

Barack Obama is going on Jay Leno tomorrow. It will be the first time in history that a sitting President has appeared on a late night talk show. 

This is technically incorrect. One time Jimmy Carter threw a cream pie at Burt Reynolds genitals on the Tonight Show.

Bush on Obama

Former President Bush — in a side comment to a group of Canadian business leaders he was giving a speech to — said that he won’t criticize President Obama because he “deserves my silence.”

The Canadian business leaders then said, “What are we…chop liver?”

Irish Obama…

The Irish Prime Minister will deliver to Obama today proof of the President’s Irish roots. If it is confirmed that he is in fact Irish, Obama says he will then promptly change his slogan to “Yes, we might.”

Cheney on Obama…

On a Sunday morning talk show, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that he believes Obama and his policies have mad us “less safe.”  Yes…I felt much safer with a maniacal, war-profiteering Dr. Doom with heart trouble and a bad shot at the missle controls in an undisclosed evil, CIA lair.

Historic Ticket…

Obama wrapped up the Democratic nomination and speculation immediately turned to whether he would name Hillary as his running mate. What a ticket of historic proportions this would be… never before on the same Presidential ticket has there been two people who hated each other this much.

Hillary Conceding…Putin’s Iron Fist…Planet Green

Hillary Clinton will reportedly concede the Democratic nomination to Barack Obama tonight. As her campaign comes to an end, some pundits are blaming the frequent, tasteless outbursts by her husband, Bill Clinton, while on the campaign trail as costing her the election. Oh boy… I know who’s sleeping on the couch tonight!

Russian President Vladimir Putin has banned political humor on TV, stregthening his control over the country’s media networks. The strong-arm move has completely ruined Yakov Smirnoff’s comeback plans.

The Discovery network today will launch the first ever “ecotainment” channel. The channel will have 24/7 programming featuring “celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse, rocker Tommy Lee and rapper Ludacris”, according to the channel’s press release. It seems the networks first eco-friendly act is to recycle washed-up celebrities.