Blondes Are ‘Warlike’

A new study by the University of California showed that Blonde women exhibited much more aggressive personality traits than brunettes, going so far to call it “warlike”. After an attempt to be reached for comment, Madonna’s publicist said the singer was not available….because she was currently off eating her mate.

Big Butts Healthy?

Oxford University recently found that having a larger butt may actually be healthy. The study found that fat in the hip and thigh areas actually reduces the risk of diabetes and heart disease. I have one question: How did Sir-Mix-A-Lot get into Oxford?

A New Moonwalk?

A London newspaper is reporting that Michael Jackson is cooking up a new moonwalk for his recently announced world tour. ”He’s working on a new move,” said Randy Phillips, producer of the upcoming shows. ” Something like the Moonwalk, but different.”

The new move starts out similarly to the old move , but then Jackson proceeds to put on a surgical mask, give wine to a 10-year old boy in a Pepsi can, dangle a baby out a window and then ends with a pirouette under a canopy made of the elephant man’s bones.

Shrunken Head…

A new study shows that significant Marijuana use may actually shrink the human brain over time. In unrelated news, Keith Richards was spotted today on Rodeo drive wearing a thimble as a hat.

New Memoir…Monkeys…UFO…Ruined Vacation

Forget Scott McClellan’s memoir…we’re waiting for this one.  Idaho Senator Larry Craig revealed yesterday that he is writing a book about his life over the past year. Presumably, the tome will discuss his arrest in a bathroom at the Minneapolis airport for soliciting gay sex from an undercover officer in a bathroom stall…an allegation he denied. The Senator said he already had a title for the book: “If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened.”

Monkeys with sensors implanted in their brains learned to control a robot arm with their thoughts. According to University of Pittsburgh scientists, the first thing the monkeys did was use the arm to throw their feces at each other.

A man who wants the government to create an “Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission” said that Friday he will reveal a video to the world that shows an actual space alien.  Authorities who previewed the tape however said the guy is confused…it’s just the latest TMZ video of Amy Winehouse leaving a club.

A lawyer is suing Delta for $1 million, claiming the airline ruined his family vacation by stranding his two children and wife for three days without luggage in various airports. His family is counter suing him however, for making them take a vacation with a lawyer.