Tiger Practices

Tiger Woods began practicing at Augusta National before his big return to The Masters in April. Everything was going smoothly until his caddy caught him texting someone else for tips and then he backed is cart into a ball washer.

Supersized Last Supper

Historians studying the depictions of ‘The Last Supper’ from DaVinci’s famous painting through the last century found that artists through the years steadily increased the size of the food on the plates. In other news, Judas has signed up for the new season of ‘The Biggest Loser’.

Gamers Rejoice

A new web site called ‘Gamecrush’ allows gamers to pay to play games such as ‘Halo’ against hot women online. In other news, the average age of virgins in the U.S. just rose to 31.

Health Care

President Obama finally signed into law health care reform, the most sweeping social legislation in 40 years. After signing the bill, Obama sat back, lit up a cigarette, and said “why not?”

Rove’s Book

Karl Rove’s new book hits bookstores next week, a memoir where he admits that the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq seriously hurt the Bush Administration’s credibility. Rove, always the schemer, figured a book about losing things would be popular following Dan Brown’s “Lost Symbol”.

Special Day

A woman began having contractions on the way down the aisle with her father to get married in Toledo, Ohio. She was later rushed from the reception after her water broke.  But not before she threw the bouquet. And if tradition holds, her friend Sally will be the next person to get married and have a baby while walking down the aisle.

Shorter Days

Scientists believe that recent earthquakes have altered the earth’s axis, actually shortening the length of the day by 1.26 microseconds. I now have a new excuse for when I’m late to work.

Darkness and Dishonesty

A new study by scientists found that darkness encourages dishonesty. Participants were more likely to cheat on a test or lie when in a dimly lit room. The study also found that those who wore sunglasses frequently, were even more susceptible to lying. In other news, Tiger Woods just signed an endorsement contract with Oakley.

Suspicious Package at IRS Office

Utah FBI officials said that a suspicious package was found outside of a local IRS office: a Tax Return. (Times are tough.)

Obama’s Physical

The results of President Obama’s physical found that his doctors recommended that he stop smoking and start having moderation in his drinking. The doctors were later forced to apologize to the President after finding they mistakenly mixed up his results with David Hasselhoff.